What to Expect at a Jewish Funeral

Funeral dress code and punctuality

Dress appropriately when attending the funeral, it is a sign of respect and dignity for the family and the more solemn occasion. Men: suit or collared shirt; Women: skirt, blouse, dress or nice pants.  No jeans or t-shirts please.  Men may be asked to wear a head covering (kippah or yarmulke).

Please arrive on time or even earlier as the service will begin on time.  If in the chapel at the cemetery, there may be standing room only. 

Casket AND BURIAL

As a sign to honor the deceased, Jewish customs require that the funeral and burial happen as soon as possible. Judaism does not embalm and does not have an open casket or wake. In other religions, an open casket or viewing of the body may be important to give a sense of closure to the mourners. In Judaism, it is considered to violate the modesty of the deceased. “We can look but they cannot look back.” 

Jewish funerals are in alignment with the principles of a “green burial”-- no embalming, the body is dressed in shroud from natural fabric, and no metal in the casket–all so that we may return to the earth. Some Jews believe that decomposition is the final step in the soul separating from the body. 

The casket is very simple and not ornate. According to Jewish Law, it can not be made on the Sabbath. The entire casket must be made of biodegradable materials, (oak, pine, poplar, redwood, mahogany) this means no metal anywhere including hinges and screws or ornate designs. This means no metal anywhere, including hinges and screws. Ornate designs are also prohibited, as all people are meant to be equal in death. Because the deceased must touch the earth, many caskets have holes drilled in the bottom to allow dirt from the gravesite to enter the casket. Even with this done, especially in the US, dirt from Israel is placed in the coffin before burial by the Sacred Burial Society.   

Flowers

At most Jewish funerals, you will often see the request, "In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to a specific charity or religious organization that the deceased may have supported." This tradition stems from the Jewish belief that while flowers are a beautiful gift for the living, they hold no meaning for the dead. The body is temporary, but the soul is eternal. Just as a flower blossoms and fades away, the body is finite, whereas the soul, like a solid stone, endures forever.

Instead of flowers, Tzedakah, or giving to charity, is seen as a meaningful way to honor the deceased. Charity is a key principle in Judaism, with the Bible stating that “charity is equal in importance to all other commandments combined.”

This symbolism extends to the custom of placing stones on graves. Leaving a stone is a physical reminder of visits to the gravesite, a symbol of permanence, and an enduring way to honor the memory of the departed. Unlike flowers, which wither, stones represent the eternal nature of the soul and the lasting legacy of a life lived.

Participate where needed

One of the greatest acts of loving kindness in Judaism is to do something for someone, which cannot be repaid, or where someone cannot say thank you.  This last act is covering the grave with a shovel or a few handfulls of dirt. Please participate when asked, you will fulfill the Mitzvah (good deed) of helping the loved one return to from where they came. 

Comforting the mourners

Nichum aveilim (comforting the mourners) is an incredibly important mitzvah, and your participation is appreciated. Continued care and comfort is done at the mourners' home after the burial. Once again you are welcome to join the family. The officiant will make an announcement at the end of the service as to dates and times of the Shiva  Minyan, a service at the loved one's home, where prayers and comfort are continued and the grieving process begins as the family is joined by community and friends.